The Grand Opening

Things around Melbourne certainly are a lot more exciting than they used to be. Time was that you could come to this city, and ask the locals what to do, and there would be stuff, don’t get me wrong…just not much. Send them to Fed Square, get them to drink some coffee, and you’re like 50% done. You could see a really expensive show, I guess?

Now you’ve got options. You can go to the Lemur Sanctuary, or take a trip to the Ladder Museum, or wander through the Hall of Lights. And if you still need a show, there’s always Andy Boyd-Snebber’s Tats, the musical about pain-intolerant wimps all deciding to get tattoos.

And now, there’s the National Museum of Kitchen Design and Renovation. I always knew Melbourne’s kitchen renovations were the best in the country, and now I have proof. They don’t have a kitchen design museum in Sydney, now do they? They don’t have a Lemur Sanctuary either, but the fact that Melbourne is just objectively better than Sydney in every way is beside the point. The actual point is that I’m going to be there on opening night for the big Kitchen Renovation Celebration. I HAVE to be there, because I’ve been following the Instant-Gram posts of Melbourne’s best kitchen interior designers since they discovered the platform. I’m their number one fan, hence why I host the blog Designer Dining, where I showcase the very best of kitchen designs and renovations across the city. And that’s why I…didn’t get an invitation, but that’s fine, I can show up anyway. I’m sure they’ll know who I am at the door. Like, ‘it’s me, the guy who posts all the kitchen photos, and supports the work of kitchen renovators, until my dying breath?’

Yeah, that’ll be the line. And then a little huffy shrug, as if I can’t believe they don’t know who I am. I have to be there, so that means I’ll pretend that I should be there.



Not My Son

So Billie keeps saying that he’s my brother and that the kid is my son, which is just silly.

Billie obviously hasn’t read the script properly, because while there may be some romantic undertones to Mavis’ interactions with the character of Mikhail (that’s hers and my characters), she clearly ends up with Robert. And it’s never SAID that Robert is the father, but I think there’s enough implication. Billie-Jean is just inserting her own meaning onto the play, instead of learning her lines like she should be doing.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Margarine isn’t about Billie and her shipping wars anyway. Mavis’ main motivation is to take a commercial pasta machine from the parallel universe and bring it back to her own, because upon stepping through the portal it will revert to a commercial ANTI-pasta machine, which will remove all of the pasta in the world. It makes sense when you really think about Mavis and her motivations, especially since she gets an entire solo about how her entire family was hurt in a freak incident involving a starchy product made with wheat and eggs and filled with gluten. It’s never overtly stated that this is pasta, but…I think the audience may be able to figure it out. Midway through the play, Mavis manages to find a commercial pasta machine and is about to bring it back, but Mikhail manages to talk her down. I think that’s where Billie is getting the inclination that Mikhail has feelings for her, but he actually SAYS to her ‘Mavis, leave the commercial pasta machine, and also the commercial steamer that you have for some reason Leave your quest for revenge! Think of your love for Robert!’

And that works, so…cut and dry, for me. It’s a stunning indictment of the madness of revenge, and also how you have to be really careful when carting around commercial steamers and other heavy kitchen equipment. Just the props are in danger of putting out the backs of our stagehands.